“I knew he loved me when he volunteered
to search the cat box for my contact lens.”
-Unknown
So where was I? Oh yeah, the romantic gesture. It’s a timeless tradition on any romantic evening. My husband is great at this stuff. He still opens the door for me and pulls out the chair. He randomly holds or kisses my hand and he’s been known to touch my face and gaze in my eyes when we stop at red lights. It’s a sweet silence only broken by his profanity at the car that just cut him off.
“Do you remember a time when you’d watch your language around me?”
I remind him from time to time.
“Yeah, isn’t nice I can be the real me around you now?” He smiles.
Alas, the man who once gave me butterflies in my stomach just belched in front of me…again. Not exactly butterflies, but at least it was still in the stomach genre. He and I try to plan a date night once a month (as mommy brain allows). Any date night in which we aren’t arguing over who was actually responsible for the, now lost, Olive Garden gift card we received last Christmas, is a success. This far into our relationship all the grand romantic gestures have been done. Anything over the top would feel too showy or that we like to draw attention to ourselves, and we don’t. We’re secure in our marriage so we don’t have anything to prove to the world or shout at the rooftops. The signs of our affection work best if they’re simple, small and private. For instance, we are excellent communicators. Dialog comes naturally to us. The challenge for most marrieds is staying off the household business topics i.e. bills, schedules, and the kids. Because we get so busy, it’s hard to conjure a stimulating interaction that truly reconnects and builds up the beauty and strength of our bond without talking shop. Our conversations used to last for hours. We’d talk about anything and everything. The phone calls were lengthy and frequent and embarrassingly ended with, “No, you hang up” and all that nauseating crap. Now, we know pretty much everything there is to know about one another so there is less need for discussion. One would think I’d feel an air of loss about this evolution in our relationship—considering my insatiable need to over-communicate. But actually it’s comforting. We know a lot of what the other will say before they even say it. And that gives me a sense of stability, security, and familiarity.
It’s the other clichéd romantic gestures that have proven to have unintended consequences. Sure, they seem pretty harmless, even sweet, but no one tells you about the side effects until it’s too late. Here they are through the lens of a typical married couple:
Bathing Together
Once after a long hard day, my husband drew a bath for me complete with bubbles, candles, soothing music and a glass of wine. It was heaven. But the reason it was, is because I was alone in the quiet and privacy of my own relaxation chamber. I’m a lucky girl. Many husbands would most likely fill the tub in the hopes of it being the setting of some explicit love scene right out of the movies. But the reality is two normal sized adults can’t fit in the standard sized bathtub. The fallout is more comedy than romance. But if you’re up for a lavender-scented slip and fall hazard, be my guest.
Movie Night
Maybe in your adolescent days movie night was code for make-out session. But the mature married person has traded in smooching for shushing to hear the actor’s lines. To be one hundred percent honest, movie night is every night. If you’re the average middle class married couple with no money or ideas, that’s just what one does to wind down the day. Traditionally, the film choice for a romantic evening is a rom-com or a chick flick. However, when you’re married, the man who once let you have the night’s entertainment reigns without protest is now very vocal about his aversion to your cinematic taste. Nevertheless, a considerate husband does let his wife have her way every now and then. I say, embrace the corny. If you’re anything like my husband and I, you’ll spend more time making fun of the actors for their over-dramatic delivery of the formulaic script than actually paying attention to the plot. It’s a ritual that has made the recycled storylines less lame for us. So in other words, heckling is unitive. Who knew?
Going Dancing
Feel like cutting a little rug? My husband doesn’t dance, and it takes all the fun out of it if I feel as if I’m forcing him. And what about those couples in which one or both people are rhythmically challenged? This type of couple argues over who gets to lead and just ends up stepping on each other’s feet anyway. Despite his distaste for dancing, my man’s been known to take me out for a spin around the dance floor if we’re at a party with decent DJ. We tried clubs, but the moment we walked in, we suddenly became very aware of our age. It seems the display some of these kids put on nowadays isn’t conducive to the sentimental feel a normal married couple is trying to capture. If you’re out for good clean fun, you’ll be bumped and grinded right off the dance floor. And the music! Not exactly the tunes you fell in love to. However, my husband and I have had a chuckle or two over the idea that these explicit and nonsensical lyrics set to techno beat could one day be some young couple’s wedding song. And humor wins again.
Moonlit Strolls
There are few things more romantic than a moonlit stroll, under the stars, hand in hand with the one you love…unless that stroll includes an uninvited guest insisting that you give him your wallet. Walks at night are precisely that, walking at night, when crime rates are highest and lighting (and the chances of identifying potential delinquents) is at its lowest. For me wandering around in the dark is just as romantic as wandering around in the well-lit parking lot of your local Walmart. Only Walmart is better armed.
Serenades
So you think you can sing, huh? Well, I hope you can or your public display of affection will go down in a blaze of off-key glory. My problem is that my hubby doesn’t like my taste in songs. Also, neither of us play an instrument. So, my
a cappella rendition of You Light up my Life is more melancholy than melodious. As far as writing a song for my muse of a man, try as I might, I can’t seem to word my love for him properly in rhythmic rhyming verse. But before you break out into a flash mob of caterwauling, make sure the object of your affection is into it. Otherwise your musical mating call will have her singing the blues.
Walks on the Beach
I love the beach. The sun, the sand, and the sea make for a picture perfect backdrop for seafaring sweethearts near and far. The keyword here is far. The nearest ocean is 357 miles away. That’s one long walk! Even if one makes the investment in a weekend getaway, the surprises awaiting aren’t always so picturesque. Have you been to southern California beaches lately? If you’re not stepping on kelp, seaweed or washed up crawdads, you’re stumbling across holes created by some mischievous tyke building the Trump Tower of sand castles. Imagine promenading with your spouse at high tide as a rogue wave unexpectedly wallops you with ice-cold water, or try maintaining eye contact passing by glistening sunbathers (some of questionable fitness level) in various stages of undress. But, maybe a surprise attack of jelly fish is suited to your sense of adventure, and the urine excreted to stop the searing pain doesn’t faze you in the least. Perhaps the wind sandblasting your ankles with tiny shards of what are essentially jagged fragments of rocks, shells and glass, is your idea of an invigorating scrub. Hey, far be it from me to deny anyone their unconventional exfoliation rituals let alone their eccentric approach to marital bonding. I, other the other hand, prefer NOT to use microdermabrasion as a form of marriage enrichment. I find one has enough trouble keeping the sand out of restricted body crevasses to warrant taking half the Sahara desert with him as a souvenir. News flash: Only mollusks make pearls in their cracks…and that’s one DIY project I just don’t want to attempt.
What HAS Worked
After marriage, keeping things simple is always the way to go. Letting the other sleep in on Saturday, taking a moment at day’s end to catch up, remembering to bring the hubby a glass of water if he’s hard at work in the yard. These are all things that bring everyday romance. For me it’s a clean kitchen, or saving me the last slice of pizza (I love that). Those are the extras we crave, the things that say I was thinking about you today. When it comes to showing my affection, all I can really do is remember to tell my husband I love him every day, hold his hand at stop lights, and cherish the moments when we fall asleep laughing together. If I can get the little things right, maybe he’ll forgive me when the chocolate souffle explodes or the sky writer spells his name wrong. The bottom line is you never stop trying, despite the invisible pitfalls. When all else fails just say, “I picked you, and I’d do it all over again.”